It all started when a showroom in Paris was shut down because one of their employees tested positive for COVID-19. I couldn’t confirm if anyone I had met with had prior been to that showroom; thus, after returning from Paris I decided to stay at home to not endanger my friends. I did have a slight cough (could have been allergies), and I was jet lagged and exhausted from market anyway. As I’ll be the first one to light a candle and enjoy a glass of wine and a book at home, secluding myself from the outside world for a week or so didn’t seem like a terrible idea at all.
I have now been in my apartment for over a month. Besides a few grocery runs, and countless zoom parties, I haven’t been in a presence of a human being for that same amount of time.
Needless to say, this time has been filled with ups and downs emotionally and a few revelations along the way.
1. There is no right way to cope with what we’re encountering because we’re all going through a different type of storm. The best thing I can do is to be mindful of others. No matter how big or small the loss, loss can be painful, and compassion is the best medicine. Compassion for others and for myself.
2. I need to give myself space to grieve personal loss and the suffering around me. If you’re familiar with enneagram, I am a 3. What that means is that I’m motivated by accomplishment. However, when under stress, my personality type naturally goes to a low 9 – which means numbing out and being passive. It’s been helpful for me to know that I have this tendency, so I can give myself space to numb out and not be surprised. However, to feel even better about numbing out and to rest, I set parameters for myself. If I feel like I really won’t get anything done at the present time, I schedule another time to do it. This allows me to actually rest because I don’t have to wallow in shame about putting things off. I know exactly when it’s going to get done. The key is to actually tackle the task when that time comes. Usually, I’m able to focus and I’m happy to be productive at that time because I have allowed myself to rest and fully disconnect. This is something that I was practicing before social distancing as well – Saturdays are my days of rest and nothing can really change that. When I allow myself to fully take a break on Saturdays, I actually want to do more during the week. Intentionality is key.
3. As humans we are wired to create and exhort energy in some way. That means that growth and getting things done will make us feel better and give us a sense of purpose and confidence. I am making a list of things I would like to accomplish while at home. They involve my spirituality and values, relationships, professional life. I don’t want to come out of this the same person. However, it’s important that I don’t burden myself with a list as long as a CVS receipt all in one day or even a week or a month. When my lists are too long, I get too overwhelmed. Then I feel bad for myself and all the things I HAVE to do so I wallow in self-pity and opt to zone out on Schitt’s Creek instead. But who decided that I have to do all these things? Choosing one thing per day or a certain amount over the whole time I’m at home doesn’t overwhelm me and allows me to do less but better. One is better than none.
4. I try to think about what makes me happy long term versus short term. Nothing wrong with knowing my vices and indulging once in a while, but it’s important to listen to my inner voice. Deep down I know what makes me feel better in the long run, and the more I focus on those activities, the less I need the quick fixes. I feel more leveled, and enjoy more consistent peace and joy rather than spikes of satisfaction and rock bottom lows. I’m choosing things that feed my soul and body for a marathon not a sprint.
And here I am, four weeks done and very likely at least four more to go. I don’t know what will happen or when this will end. I do know that as humans we are incredibly adaptable and resilient. We grieve, we grow, and we move forward. I want to be compassionate and ready when it’s time to move forward.
x Karina